Oct. 10 – Oct. 23, 2018

ARIES: You’re knee-deep in alligators and all you have is a Number 2 pencil to fend for yourself. Whatever do you do? Throw down that stupid pencil and pick up your broadsword and shield and hack away at those alligators like you’re the star in “Game of Thrones.” No matter what shit hits the fan, you’re one of the few who comes out smelling like a rose.

TAURUS: Your theme song this week is “Hi-ho, Hi-ho, It’s Off to Work I Go!” It’s a good thing you like your status as a beast of burden because you’re about to work harder than you ever thought possible. Can you do it without bitching and moaning like you usually do? Probably not, but at least you keep working while you’re doing it.

GEMINI: You’re on fire right now. Unfortunately, it’s just that rash flaring up again. Time to see a doctor. Also time to figure out where in the hell you’re going in life. You can’t just jump from party to party forever, you know. Once you gain momentum in a new direction, the world will be at your feet.

CANCER: ’Tis the season that home becomes your most important focus. As we slide toward the holiday season, your desire to stay at home becomes stronger than it’s ever been. The focus is on the nurturing side of your personality, if you actually have one. Like many Cancers, you may have sold your soul to the devil and now live a carefree life. Well, stop it.

LEO: The universe backs off for a bit, lulling you into a sense of calm. It’s a trap! There is a fairly major crisis headed your way that you need to be ready for. You’re also being called upon to think before you act as thoughtless words will most assuredly come back to bite you.

VIRGO: your key phrase right now is, “Show me the money!” Your energy runs high right now, and you’re motivated to storm ahead. You want it all, and you want it now. That won’t get you very far as you’re not that well-liked and there are those who would love to see you fail. Make sure you have a Plan B.

LIBRA: This is the perfect time to go completely incommunicado. Lie low, sleep in, don’t leave the house for any reason (unless it’s on fire or something). You’ll need every ohm of energy you can possibly store up for what’s coming. You are about to either be blessed by a windfall of money or lose everything in a very stupid business venture.

SCORPIO: The sun is shining on you for a change, making those around you wonder where your shitty attitude went. This is your favorite time of year, when the dead come out to play. There’s a reason Halloween falls in the sign of Scorpio. Just don’t tell anyone where you hid the bodies.

SAGITTARIUS: “Be careful what you wish for” was obviously meant for Sagittarius. When you wish you could watch football yearround, it’s likely you’ll get fired from your job, freeing up your days to do just that. It’s what you say, not how you say it.

CAPRICORN: For you, ambition is everything, but be cautious in taking any significant actions right now. Though October is your peak month for influence, you’re not up to the task because you’ve given your blood, sweat and tears to everything all year. Time to step back and reassess before proceeding.

AQUARIUS: You’re surrounded by secrets and deceit. Dig deep and investigate before opening your big fat mouth. You’ll want to be careful to support your friends because you really don’t have that many. Be sure the words you speak are ones you can eat again later.

PISCES: Secrets and mysteries abound along with private interludes, compelling lust, power plays, dreams and the occult. It’s the time of year you like most, diving deep into otherworldly fantasies. Just make sure to leave a trail of bread crumbs so you can find your way back to reality.