April 25 – May 2, 2018

ARIES: It’s a really good idea to proceed with caution this week instead of rushing in with your usual Aries energy. Figure out what you most desire, then set goals. Keeping your ducks in a row will help you tremendously, even when you would rather roast and eat them.

TAURUS: Everyone around you is falling apart emotionally, and they turn to you for a shoulder to cry on. You’re going to need hip waders just to get through all the muck! Try not to take ownership of other people’s bullshit. You have enough of your own.

GEMINI: You’re daydreaming about summer, but Mother Nature is doing everything she can to thwart your big plans. What a bee-yotch! But don’t worry, you can always drink until you hallucinate summer weather like the lush you are. It’s what you’re good at.

CANCER: Someone’s trying to push you into a deal that you don’t want any part of. It doesn’t help to ignore them, as they are insistent that you participate. Stay as low-key as possible for the week and they’ll get frustrated and go away. Then you can go spend the money on crap you don’t need.

LEO: You’re a great deal-maker when you’re personally invested in the outcome. Now, though, everyone comes to the table with their own version of what the deal should be. There’s no better way piss you all the way off than other’s trying to take control. A good karate kick to the crotch should deter them.

VIRGO: You love to share the bazillion ideas always rocketing through your head, but you’ll find that people have no idea what you’re talking about. Unless it’s another Virgo, they’ll look at you like your last marble fell out. Save your thoughts for people who actually *get* you.

LIBRA: Change is in the air, but you’re searching your pockets for loose change instead. If you don’t watch where you’re headed, you’re sure to walk smack into a tree, thereby proving that you really are a ditz. You don’t care, though, as there’s a lot of good in your life these days. Stay the course.

SCORPIO: You are counting on the kindness of strangers these days. How’s that working out for you? Probably like a case of the crabs: Uncomfortable. You need to find your way back to self-sufficiency before you alienate both friends and strangers alike. Stat.

SAGITTARIUS: Your finger-snapping, attention-getting ways are a pain in everyone’s ass. No one wants to wait on you hand and foot, so stop being so demanding. This might be the reason friends seem to be avoiding you lately. You’re a determined person, but that doesn’t give you the right.

CAPRICORN: You know those dreams in which you’re trying to walk or run from something, but seem mired in sludge? Sorry, but that’s your life right now. You can try and break free but will probably make things worse. Learn patience, as you are woefully short of it. It’s a virtue, you know.

AQUARIUS: One step at a time, that’s the advice for you. Methodical and cautious will serve you best. No one thinks you can manage it and are waiting to see you fail spectacularly. It’s your challenge to prove those bastards wrong. It will serve them right when you walk away a winner.

PISCES: Someone has been trying to make plans with you, but you have your heads in another dimension. Make sure it benefits you as much as it does them, otherwise you’ll find yourself without a pot to piss in. You’ve been there before, but don’t like it very much.