April 4 – April 10, 2018

ARIES: Sugar is sweet, and so is life right now. You are acting on great ideas like there’s an endless supply. The problem is: you have no follow through. What use are all these ideas if you never see them to fruition? Your tendency to go off in a hundred different directions at once isn’t helping, either. Get your shit together, Aries, and you’ll see much better results. Be sure to take care of your emotional needs while you’re at it. Nobody gets through life with a low emotional IQ, not even you. 

TAURUS: You’re feeling blue, unmotivated and sluggish lately, and you’re going to have to work to break free of such a desultory mindset. Counterintuitively, it’s best that you take a step back and reevaluate things. That’s right: stop, drop, and listen to what your heart’s trying to tell you. You DO have a heart, don’t you? It might be difficult to tell with Mercury continuing its retrograde motion until the 15th. It impacts everyone differently. For you it’s your head and your heart not communicating.

GEMINI: While your week starts out pretty fucking great, it’s yours to mess up. This may seem like backward advice, but: don’t follow through on any obligations you’ve made for now. We’re still in the midst of Mercury retrograde, and it’s time for you to retreat into yourself and listen to what your INTUITION is saying. New ideas flow faster than you can get them down on paper. You’ll want to capture every one to implement the moment your ruling planet goes direct. This is no time to be a people-pleaser. If others get upset, it’s only because they had expectations that were never yours to fulfill.

CANCER: Intuition is strong, kind of like the Force in “Star Wars.” You’re no Jedi, but you are fully capable of being a sweet, nurturing soul. Too bad this isn’t the time. You’ll need to go to your quiet place to hear what your head and heart are trying to tell you. You’ll be tempted to clean up your act and break out of old behaviors, like letting people trample all over you. It’s time to assert yourself and make demands of others to satisfy your emotional needs. It will be challenging, but you have the cojones to make it work.

LEO: It seems like everyone and their brother wants to befriend you this week. Your challenge is to figure out who means it and who are being dirty rat bastards. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. Don’t fight it. It’s your energy that’s attracting both, so you must decide how to proceed. Dig deep inside that ego of yours and don’t let anyone get away with stupid bullshit. The weekend ends up being a red carpet experience that’s all about you, you, you, as you expect accolades and applause from everyone, regardless of their true intent.

VIRGO: It just so happens, Virgo, that this week, you ARE the sharpest knife in the drawer. Now don’t get all stabby about it. Everyone already suspects you’ve got more personalities lurking inside you than James McAvoy in the movie “Split.” You’re comforted by the presence of close friends and family and you might be challenged in scheduling time for everyone. You’ll have plenty of distractions, too, so try and stay as focused as you can. Try to be flexible and give everyone what they need instead of it being all about you for a change.

LIBRA: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you off to feed the voices in your head again? You feel the need to organize all the chaos in your mind to make sense of your deepest thoughts. Not an easy task, especially for you space cadets under the sign of Libra. Disruptions of every ilk conspire to mess things up until next week, so perhaps staying home in bed eating bon-bons is your best bet. When you finally emerge, you’ll find a line around the block from people demanding advice and answers. If you’re going to be everyone’s therapist, you might as well charge them full price.

SCORPIO: The word “possessive” was invented with you in mind. Take a note from the cosmos and try being flexible. You know, like a bendy straw. You might be rewarded for it by both sex partners (of which you’re likely well into triple digits by now) and friends. Taking risks is a really terrible idea for you this week, so you’ll just have to try and play it safe, letting everyone else take the fall like you usually do. By week’s end, you might be feeling like a game of “Strip Twister,” or strip poker, or really ANYTHING with the word “strip” in it. Nudity is your spirit animal. Just don’t forget to shower afterward.

SAGITTARIUS: Blah blah blah blah blah. Is that all you do, talk? The reason no one listens is because there’s no substance to your babbling. You call it “the search for truth,” and everyone else calls it bullshit. They all know you talk merely to hear the sound of your own voice. Perhaps it’s worth remembering that a closed mouth gathers no feet. Rather than forcing those close to you to endure your constant rambling, you might drive out into the country and regale livestock with your inanity. At least they’ll be a captive audience.

CAPRICORN: For you, ideas are like sweets from a Pez dispenser. You have so many of them currently that you’re unable to articulate them like you want. Does it really serve a purpose to allow those flashes of brilliance to go by unnoted? Nope. Write that shit down. The human brain isn’t wired to handle so much insight at one time. The more you write, the better you’ll remember. You also find that you feel like engaging in social activities, too, which will distract you from your work. You’ll have to decide which is more important: gaining new friends or being the same old stick-in-the-mud, we know you to be.

AQUARIUS: You have a very unique perspective on things that draw a lot of attention. Though your aim wasn’t to make new connections, you’ll find it happening anyway. Mid-week, your emotions threaten to rain on everyone’s parade, so try not to let them spoil the fun. Just because you’re a moody bitch doesn’t mean you have to cry about it to anyone who’ll listen. Though it feels counterintuitive to not give sway to your feelings with a parade of gloom, you’re best served keeping that shit to yourself. When people casually ask how you’re feeling, they really don’t want to know. They’re just making small talk.

PISCES: This week will threaten to overwhelm you, but don’t crap your pants. Pisceans are completely familiar with ambiguity, and you’ll have more than enough of it now. Try and remember that you thrive on not knowing things or having a lick of common sense. No one expects brilliance from you, so at least you’re not having to live up to others’ expectations. You’ll find yourself getting annoyed by people in general toward the end of the week, especially at work. Try to focus on other things to take your mind off of their annoyances. Even if it’s coloring in your coloring book, distraction will help get you through the next week. You’re going to need it.