May 16 – 22, 2018

ARIES: You’re guilty of giving away your personal power this week, which just isn’t like you. Are you still hungover from your recent bender? You need to wrestle back control of your life, stat. When you’re on your game, you’re persuasive and well-spoken. When you’re not, you’re a total buzzkill, a killjoy, a total asshole. If you weren’t also so good at life most of the time, perhaps no one would notice. Stop wallowing in self-pity and go kill it.

TAURUS: Let’s see…should you jump out of bed and face the world, or hit the snooze button ten more times? Chances are you’ll err on the side of laziness, as that’s a crucial part of your personality. Your best bet is to hit the ground running, though, and knock life on its ass. When you’re focused, there’s no stopping you. When you’re being your usual, lazy-ass self, you have less motivation than a garden slug. Be the force of nature everyone knows you can be and stop feeling sorry for yourself so that you actually have to get up and do stuff.

GEMINI: We beg your pardon, Gemini…but no one promised you a rose garden. Along with the sunshine. These lyrics from the always amazing Lynn Anderson might become your mantra now as the universe conspires to rain on your every parade. And we don’t mix metaphors lightly where you’re concerned. With your rapier-like wit and way with words, why is it you’re bumbling around explaining things like a kindergartner on meth? You can’t blame it on Mercury retrograde this time, either. Take a deep breath, put down your cocktail, and straighten the fuck up.

CANCER: Are you having that not-so-fresh feeling lately? Perhaps a nice, long, hot bath in a tub full of vinegar and water will help. You feeling out of sorts is wreaking havoc with your life and makes you second guess not only yourself, but those around you. Understanding your moods and thought processes helps avoid an emotional altercation with a family member. Even when you know you’re right and they’re not, it won’t work out in your favor unless you eat a little humble pie and apologize. Sometimes you have to admit wrongdoing even if you didn’t do anything wrong.

LEO: Ever hear the saying, “Wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which fills up the fastest?” If you don’t go out and make things happen for yourself, you’ll end up with a handful of crap. Work hard to meet all those lofty goals you set for yourself because no one else is going to. When others see you striving so diligently, they are more willing to lend a hand to aid in your success. Now all you have to do is get off your ass and get busy.

VIRGO: You may act all hoity-toity in public, but that’s just over-compensation for your stunning level of social anxiety. This act tends to work for you, though, because people believe what they see more times than not. When others perceive that you believe in yourself (even when you don’t), they’ll play along. That works on many levels, including the ability you have to overcome crippling anxiety. It’s that whole “fake-it-till-you-make-it” idea. Spend time with family this week to make yourself feel good.

LIBRA: You’re guilty of judging a book by its cover, Libra, and that’s SO not like you. Don’t be too overly harsh lest that energy come back and bite you square in your Libra ass. Talk is cheap, and gossip is the lowest form of currency there is. Don’t get caught up in others’ drama and definitely don’t spread rumors that you haven’t done due diligence on! You want people to trust you, but they won’t if you’re the source of social rabble-rousing.

SCORPIO: You’d do well to take advice from Libra’s forecast this week, Scorps-baby. Telling tall tales about others will come back on you tenfold. (You do the math) What’s going on with your professional life these days? You recently ended a contentious business relationship but find that you have no way to make ends meet now. If you’re trying to find peace, you’re going about it bass-ackwards. How many times do you have to create hardship for yourself before you figure out it’s a lesson you need to learn? Strive for abundance, not scarcity, silly goose.

SAGITTARIUS: Rather than whining about not having money to go on vacation, perhaps you could put your words where your money is. Better yet, create a life that you don’t ever feel the need to escape from ever again. You’ve been fleeing from a certain problem for a very long time, and you have to be exhausted from your efforts. It’s a great time to reaffirm some of your life’s dreams so you aren’t so stressed out and being a total bitch about everything. Others shouldn’t suffer from your bad moods.

CAPRICORN: If anyone is guilty of placing all their proverbial eggs in one holey basket, Cappie, it’s you. You put all your time and energy into one cause or one task or one job without doing a bit of digging beforehand to determine if those things are even worth striving for. It’s likely you’ll find they’re not, and then you find you’ve wasted so much time on them. Stop it. You are typically open-minded to learning new things, so why not benefit from it? That’s one area that will always be worth investing in.

AQUARIUS: Time to take those rose-colored glasses off when it comes to evaluating a potential love interest. You’re seeing them as you hope they are and totally ignoring who they really are. This causes all kinds of complications, and that’s exactly what you don’t need right now. Slow down, take a breath, and step back. Your go-with-the-flow mentality will benefit, and your stress levels will be lowered. Between you and Scorpio this week, you corner the market on creating unnecessary drama. Whatever floats your boat, Skipper.

PISCES: You avoid taking unnecessary risks most days, but now you’re encouraged to do exactly that. If you never try, you never find out what good might come out of your efforts. Of course, there’s the downside of others thinking you’re an idiot for stepping outside your comfort zone. Screw them. They don’t know you. It’s not that they’re waiting for you to fail (they are), it’s that your courage and bravery scares the living crap out of them. Don’t neglect the details and be especially vigilant when doing accounting. A misplaced decimal point can make all the difference in the world.