May 9 – 16, 2018

ARIES: Communication should be your greatest focus this week, and things will be hunky-dory. In spite of the chaos trying to ruin your days lately, you have the stick-to-it-iveness to persevere. Run over any bastard who stands in your way.

TAURUS: Hold off on making any big plans. Don’t sign paperwork, and definitely don’t purchase impulse items. Your intuition is on hiatus, and anything you do or say without careful consideration will blow up in your face like an inflatable sex doll at a Shriner’s event.

GEMINI: You’re going to meet a lot of strangers now, which is weird because you’re the only person who can see them. Sometimes it’s good to interact with the voices in your head just to make them feel welcome because you know you wouldn’t be able to function for worth a damn otherwise.

CANCER: You’re feeling a bit like a debutante lately, and you should apologize immediately to anyone who likes you as the quiet wallflower they’ve come to know. It’s not pretty when you do something you’re not very good at, and coming out of your shell should be high on the list of stupid things to do.

LEO: Friends and their advice are in the forefront for you. It may not be good advice, but it’s advice all the same. Even if their ideas are stupid, pretend like it’s the wisest thing anyone has ever said to you. If anyone can lie their ass off, it’s you.

VIRGO: You’re rumored as having a quick mind and a dizzying intellect. You don’t have to tell them it’s all done with smoke and mirrors. Why disabuse them of their ignorance? This way you can continue to feel superior to them and gossip about them behind their backs.

LIBRA: Keep your head down and get shit done and try to stay out of the way when the shit hits the fan. And it will. In copious amounts. However, this event will foment change that will impact your life in incredible ways, so maybe it’s not a bad thing after all.

SCORPIO: Do not sign your name on any dotted line for any reason right now. You’ve been deceived by slick salesmanship and will not be happy with the results. If you watch and wait, people will show their true colors, validating your suspicions. Everyone is a jerk.

SAGITTARIUS: Aren’t you tired of all talk and no action from people you trust? You should be. Force others to keep their word or tell them to take a hike. You’ve got places to meet and people to do. Don’t allow the peasants to waste your time, or start billing them for it.

CAPRICORN: You feel like you’re surrounded by ADHD monkeys this week. They chatter incessantly about absolutely nothing and follow you around trying to muck things up. Stay focused on your task list as it’s not getting any shorter on its own. Maybe if you fling your poo at them they’ll leave you alone.

AQUARIUS: Your week goes off with a bang! Literally. In fact, all you can think about is sex, pizza and more sex. Sometimes sex with pizza. Perhaps you’d be better off expending that energy by getting things (or persons) done around the house.

PISCES: Lots on your mind? Ignore it all and go back to bed. It’s a good time to catch up on rest because you’re not in the mood for idiots or their children. You’re needing to store up your energy for things to come. The planets call on you to memorize a poem for some stupid reason. Don’t.