June 13 – June 19, 2018

GEMINI: You’re just not pretty enough to be this stupid, Gemini. Somewhere, there’s a village wanting their idiot back. Not to say that all Geminis are stupid, though it’s pretty vain thinking this post is about you, which is Leo’s job. And no, Mercury hasn’t gone retrograde on you (that’s coming in July). It’s highly recommended that you check your sources, look under your bed before sleep, check for listening devices in your home and car…anything that will ensure you that you’re not being followed or spied on. It feels like you can’t do anything right. Time to batten down the hatches and be a recluse until further notice.

CANCER: As the eternal worrier, you’re finally figuring out that all that stress and strife you bring down upon yourself is all for naught. Things work out exactly like they’re supposed to no matter how much you worry about them. It’s enough to drive you to drink! Anxiety causes you to rush into things that you should really exercise caution with. Don’t make big decisions this week unless you want to spend the rest of your life regretting your choices. You will also learn a lot more about the world when you slow down, breathe deeply, step outside, and turn your face to the sun. What’s a little sunburn compared to your happiness?

LEO: What’s up, fuzz-butt? You’re in a pretty spectacular place in your life, and you want everyone to bow down and adore you. You’re feeling good and your gigantic ego is well fed. Your talent for making a grand entrance has never been more evident. It’s what the rest of the world calls being a “drama queen.” It ain’t proper drama unless you’re at the center of it. In this current mode, you’re as annoying as a thick piece of shit in a very shallow bucket. Your immediate future will be decided by how you treat others. Good luck.

VIRGO: It’s part of your character to give, give, give, then give some more. What good is it, though, when all you’re giving is syphilis, herpes, and other STDs? It’s best to keep to yourself for the time being. The CDC will thank you. Mid-month, family clamors for all your attention and then some. You’re likely to over-commit, as usual. When you reach the end of your famously short temper, tell everyone to go piss up a rope, whatever the fuck that means. 

LIBRA: Ahhh, people. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em and use them as patio furniture. As the more balanced sign of the zodiac, you sure do have a lot of struggle these days. Money, time, friends…you seem to run woefully short of all of them this week. The fact that you strive for balance in all things makes you a target for people who don’t have your best interests in mind. Take a closer look at some of those you’ve trusted recently and who have let you down. Though you’re far too nice, you really should tell them to fuck all the way off. They’re using you and you’re letting them.

SCORPIO: Tired of people not taking you seriously? Tough shit. Scorpios tend to have the most unwavering opinions, right or wrong. You don’t care if someone’s feelings get trampled, because you’re the first to lace up your boots. You’re about to get a taste of your own medicine, sunshine. It could be you confronting yourself, or someone you actually admire might tear you a new asshole…and you’d deserve it. Figure out how best to deal with these troubling events. Not only will seeing them clearly help you to grow, it’ll keep your friends around much longer. Shit or git.

SAGITTARIUS: Your favorite pastime is engaging in philosophical arguments with others and you never take it well when someone’s view differs from yours. Counting people’s shortcomings doesn’t make you above reproach, so stop being a sanctimonious asswipe and humble yourself a little. Your constant need to judge others and find them wanting is tiresome and wins you no new fans. Get yourself a hobby that doesn’t involve screwing everyone over, like train surfing or collecting navel lint.

CAPRICORN: You’re sometimes known for your generosity. Except for on days that end in the word “day.” Face it, you’re more interested in social climbing than you are in bettering yourself in any way. You’re the kind of person that requires a pre-nuptial agreement just for dating. By mid-month, you’re in over your head at work and things reach a boiling point. That’s when you need to step back and stay detached lest your foot find its way into your mouth again.

AQUARIUS: Is all that lightning a summer storm, or is it flash after flash of inspiration emanating from your brain? Well, considering that you and the Scarecrow from the Land of Oz share the fact that neither of you actually have a brain, you should assume it’s just lightning. You’ve been slacking off in everything lately, and it’s coming back on you. Maybe you should slip into one of your alternate personas and go on the lam. Surely you have at least one that’s a nice person who treats others well. Whatever it is you’re doing now isn’t working. Fix it.

PISCES: You’re advice game sucks. Even though you’re *allegedly* the most complex soul in the zodiac, you must be keeping it well hidden. You’re acting about as deep as a mud puddle. Even your dreams make no sense these days. What gives? It’s advised that you not try to figure anything out this week, because answers will come to you soon enough. They may come to you in gibberish, but that’s what you’re best at: sussing out cryptic signs and responses, then delivering them to those who most need to know them. At least you’re good at something, eh?

ARIES: When’s the last time someone called you a self-centered prick? Yesterday? Well, that’s par for the course. It’s all “me, me me!” when it comes to you, you, you, Aries. And those temper tantrums? How are those working out for you? No wonder you’re the most hated zodiac sign, right up there with Leo and Scorpio, but at least they have redeeming qualities. Unlike you. This is an excellent time to hire a relationship manager to help rebuild all the fucking bridges you’ve burned. No matter how much you think you don’t need others to survive, you’re wrong. You need others now more than ever. Stop arguing with people who are trying to help you succeed, assclown.

TAURUS: There’s nothing you like better than to get your own way. Perhaps it’s time to rethink your life strategy. Just because you’re the largest person in the room doesn’t mean you can just bully everyone else into doing what you want. Get a clue, dumb-ass. You are much too talented to stomp your feet and throw a tantrum to get your way. Do what you do best and stop insisting that everyone follow your rules. When you stoop to manipulating people through force and might, it paints you in a really bad light. Every self-respecting person knows that it’s ALL about good lighting.