June 20 – June 26, 2018

CANCER: You want to get your life back on track, and the best way to do that is to partner with those you feel closest to. That doesn’t mean the certain someone you’ve been stalking, either. That’s just fucked up. Stay close to home to avoid freak accidents, and to keep the freaks away.

LEO: Someone might have once told you to “breathe out the blue and inhale the pink.” You thought they were just batshit crazy, and you were probably right. Now, though, you’ll want to inhale confidence and exhale self-doubt. Life’s been a bitch, but it’s all about to change.

VIRGO: You’re feeling exceptionally child-like this week. Refrain from lighting firecrackers in the house or putting Saran Wrap across the toilet bowl as a prank. Think before you speak. “I’m rubber and you’re glue…” just isn’t appropriate when talking with your banker, or proctologist.

LIBRA: It’s a good idea to keep from indulging your need to utter white lies, as you’ll undo all the hard work you’ve been doing these past weeks. What we give intent to becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s your choice.

SCORPIO: If you don’t believe you’re worth it, you’re sure as shit not gonna get it. You’re the most powerful soul in the zodiac, so stop playing the self-pity card and pull your head out of your ass. Stand in front of a mirror and repeat these words: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

SAGITTARIUS: What you think, you become. This is Buddha’s message to the world. But what does that fat-ass dead guy know about your life? You’ve been playing fast and loose with others’ hearts, and that shit is going to come back on you tenfold. Better pucker up. You’re going to be kissing a lot of ass.

CAPRICORN: Don’t you hate it when people are late to their appointments? Guess what, you’re about to get a taste of your own bitter medicine. You’re too focused on unimportant details, and these will cause you to be late for nearly everything. If you rush, the universe will fuck with you.

AQUARIUS: Work you’ve been avoiding is piling up. Stop being such a lazy-ass and tend to the details before they overwhelm you. No, you can’t pay someone else to do it. Getting it done will work in your favor, so make it a priority.

PISCES: Are you seeing people as they are, or as you want them to be? You’re about to get a heapin’ helpin’ of reality, so you best put your waders on. The shit is going to get deep. Thank goodness you have a friend who suddenly appears and helps you through it.

ARIES: You’ve been hankering for a major change. This desire is only partially tied to the changing seasons, but you shouldn’t ignore it either. The solstice can be a powerful force if you honor it properly. No human or animal sacrifices, either, no matter how strong the urge might be.

TAURUS: There’s a song with your name on it this week: Foreigner’s “Urgent.” Saturn is trying to kick your ass, so don’t give in to the pressure you’re feeling. Especially pressure to argue a point ad nauseum. You’ll be tested until you want to scream. Let it fly! Better that than punching someone in the nose.

GEMINI: Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. You have a LOT going on, which will cause you to be careless. Check out all your options before acting…or speaking. You’re likely to commit to something this week that you’re going to really, really regret.