March 21 – March 27, 2018

CANCER (JUN 21-JUL 22): You are the master of the snooze button. In fact, it was probably invented by a lazy-ass Cancerian. This week, your seductive charms look more like soggy Lucky Charms. That’s not to say you’ve lost your touch. Au contraire, mon frer! It’s just that the way the world is now, the only person you’re going to want to reach out and touch is yourself. You should be celebrating your body and not crying because you’re the only one who wants it. It’s all temporary. This too shall pass, like a kidney stone in the night.

LEO (JUL 23-AUG 22): Time to audit your life in advance of your upcoming birthday. Sort through all the relationships you’ve had whether romantic, friend, or family, and review the lessons you learned while in them. Why do this? Because some of the current relationships are about to hit a massive rough patch, and you’ll want to be armed with the knowledge of why you became connected in the first place. Leo’s thrive on “their people,” and this is especially true now. And if any of those connections have grown stagnant, then put them on notice. It’s always a good time to get rid of dead weight. Even if it’s your own mother.

VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22): Hope you’ve kept up on your Martha Stewart skillsets. No, we don’t mean the insider trading skills, silly. Grab your glue gun and label maker. You’ll want to bedazzle the hell out of everything. The energy this week makes you eager to make your mark on your world, and if cheap rhinestones and designer denim do it for you, then have at it. Maybe you’ll create a whole new type of street art or graffiti…who knows? Just don’t run out and get body modifications now. Your skills aren’t all THAT.

LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22): You and Gemini are experiencing similar weeks, one in which your passion for things you (used to) love seeps away, leaving you feeling a bit at odds with yourself. Relationships become sluggish and stilted in spite of the fact that you have a shitload of lusty feelings. Tempers flare and you may respond with unnecessary venom. (Yes, even you can act like a total dick every once in a while) Rein in your emotions for now and reevaluate your life. Do you really need all those friends? Might be a great time to start cleaning house, both literally and figuratively.

SCORPIO (OCT 23-NOV 21): Home and family, whatever those mean to you, are pushed front and center. Though your temper may be even more prevalent these days, but you can avoid major blowups by staying mindful of your emotions and especially your motivation. You’re more apt to be stealthy and allow passive-aggression to rule your behavior, which is a big “FUCK YOU” to everyone whether you mean it to be or not. If you don’t mind apologizing your ass off in the near future, then by all means, lash out with that infamous tongue of yours that gets you into more trouble than it solves.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21): For this week’s energy, you’ll want to be as forthcoming and transparent as you possibly can. That means no little white lies to soothe someone’s hurt feelings and no condescending talk. You are experiencing a case of the Emperor’s New Clothes and it’s going to fuck you up if you’re not careful. Complicating things is that Mars is rash and unpredictable under the best of circumstance, and in retrograde it can turn into a full-fledged trickster. And the cosmic joke is on you! Keep your head down and don’t let your ass write checks that your mouth can’t cash.

CAPRICORN (DEC 22-JAN 19): Money is at the forefront of your long list of worries. Hidden costs and fees pop up in unexpected places and ways, just as you’re about to close a lucrative deal. That terrific bargain you’ve had your eye on is anything but, and you’ll pay dearly if you act impulsively. Do what you do best and hang in there for the time being. Be more mindful about your finances and avoid temptation whenever possible. Take this opportunity to slow your ass down and enjoy the moment for a change.

AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB 18): You have more magic inside you than anyone suspects, and it’s time to shine! Just remember to keep it as real as you can so you don’t frighten off the very people you’re trying to win over. With Mars going retrograde, you may experience unusual levels of frustration mainly because for once you can’t fix everything. This phase isn’t eternal, so are you able to wait for things to even out? Yes, your patience will be tested, and you’ll be tempted to lash out, but hold your tongue for now. Anything you do to try and make things right will only come back and bite you in the ass.

PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 19): As the most withdrawn sign in the zodiac, you’re about to learn that you can go deeper than you ever thought possible, to the point where you might not be able to find your way back to reality. Ever. While that might sound like a delicious proposition, the world counts on your uncanny insight and energy to heal what is broken. Don’t get a big head over it. You’re still the idiot that often has on mismatched socks and gets lost following your own GPS. As Aerosmith says, “Dream On.”

ARIES (MAR 20-APR 18): Patience, grasshopper. You’re on the highway to the danger zone. Things are destined not to go as planned in any way whatsoever. As your world grinds to a halt, you might consider hibernating until the end of August. Yes, you read that correctly. Your ruling planet of Mars is retrograde until August 27th, so this period is going to kick your ass in every way. While trying to force things to work for you might seem tempting in the moment, your efforts will backfire on you like a burrito from Taco Bell flies out of your ass.

TAURUS (APR 19-MAY 20): Breathe in, breathe out. Yes, it’s going to be very frustrating, but no amount of mooing or cud chewing is going to make it get any better. With Mars going retrograde in your career goals and ambitions segment, it’s more likely you’ll want to burn the entire house down. And we don’t need no water, let tha motherfucker burn. In reality, though, you’ll feel a sense of relief that things have slowed down for a while. Kick back and enjoy the flickering inferno.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN 20): You’re about to experience a debilitating illness called “ambitious interruptus.” Yeah, we know…it’s summer, right? Well you can thank that bastard Mars for screwing up your life. He’s acting like a little bitch right now and there’s fuck all you can do about it. This means you’re going to have to focus (for a change) to get anything accomplished, and if there’s anything a crazy Gemini hates more, it’s having to focus. Buck up, snowflake.