June 6 – June 13, 2018

ARIES: You’re more in touch with your feelings, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. You’re not a feelings person, which is why you alienate more people than you win over. Rethink your approach to life. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But the same goes for dog shit.

TAURUS: Family matters. Really, it does! But which one … the family you were born into, or the one you created out of your list of psycho friends? Bet on the psychos because at least you always know where you stand with them. Everyone is bi, but it’s your job to figure out whether it’s polar or sexual.

GEMINI: Happy birthday, Gemini! You are so popular in spite of the fact that the list of your horrible qualities is endlessly long. You’re also the source of all the gossip in the world. It’s time to clean up your act and stop being the psycho everyone thinks you are.

CANCER: You claim to want a relationship without stress or annoyance. You can’t lure the right one and keep whining like a 3-year-old who doesn’t get candy. Then, the moment you think you’ve found them, you’re off having an affair with someone else. You need help of the mental variety, stat.

LEO: Don’t confuse your sun sign with being an actual lion, Leo. You’re no lion, not even close. You tend to find others intolerant, but it’s you who’s intolerable. Get out of your make-believe world and face facts: the only person who likes you is your mother. How’s that Oedipus complex working out for you?

VIRGO: You’re forever rushing into things, think everyone is your personal servant, and tend to rely more on reaction than thought. And those are your good qualities! Take a hint from your Gemini counterpart and wipe that holier-than-thou smirk off your face. Brains over brawn wins the day.

LIBRA: You think the universe revolves around you, but it doesn’t. Take off those rose-colored glasses and you’ll find that you’ve become unreliable, superficial, and a martyr. It’s not a good look for you. Get off your cross, Libra … someone else needs the wood.

SCORPIO: You are master of your universe. Master manipulator, that is. Your heart is filled with dirty secrets and murderous plans. And that’s just Monday. Few people will mess with you, but that’s not respect, that’s sheer terror. There must be a better way to live your life, if you’re capable.

SAGITTARIUS: The world cannot figure out how you’re able to live with yourself these days. As a child, people hated you, and they still do. How can you fix those negative perceptions? Try being nice for a change and stop treating everything like it’s a cosmic joke, lest you become the punch line.

CAPRICORN: Party pooper. Some-one had to say it. While pessimism is a valid outlook, for you it’s become a lifestyle. Your tendency toward cynicism and stubbornness isn’t working, so why continue with it? You’re just making yourself more miserable and bringing everyone else down. Stop it.

AQUARIUS: You’re being aloof again, and it’s ruining your chances at maintaining friendships. Again. Why sabotage your own efforts? It’s not like people are racing to befriend you these days. They’re racing, but in the opposite direction. Buck up, cupcake.

PISCES: You don’t always have to be the rat deserting the sinking ship, you know. There’s such a thing as “loyalty,” though maybe you need your memory refreshed as to what exactly that means. It means you can’t run away from the very problems you helped to cause. Turn around, go back, and stop being such a twat.