July 19 – July 24, 2018

ARIES: This week has a sense of fate and destiny in store for you. That could mean that someone new will enter your life in an oddly spectacular way, or you’re going to end up with another body to bury in the backyard. Either way, it’s going to be life-changing.

TAURUS: It’s time to change things up, Taurus, and we all know how comfortable you aren’t with change. You’d rather have surgery without anesthesia than have to change something about yourself. Too bad, bucko. Your entire way of thinking is about to undergo a major shift, and you’ll probably need to change your underwear as a result.

GEMINI: Your take on money is that it’s for spending, so why waste it in a savings account? This has made you very popular amongst your friends but made credit card companies pretty pissed off. However, there is change in the air that will help you plan for a better future and potentially avoid the poor house. Wise up.

CANCER: Are you ready for a new phase in life? We hope so because you’ve been bitching and moaning so much about things these past few months. Slam the door on the past and embrace a new beginning. There’s intensity surrounding this shift for you, so you might want to stock your wet bar and barricade yourself in the basement for a few weeks.

LEO: You might not realize you’ve been looking for closure on some parts of your life, but you’re poised to find it under current conditions. No, this doesn’t mean you can be your usual disrespectful self, nor does it mean you can tell your fans to go screw themselves. This closure is intensely personal and will rock your world.

VIRGO: Your aversion to change is going to self-destruct now, and you’ll either tough it out and move on or collapse in a sodden mess of tears and histrionics. We suspect the latter. This change will catapult you into a new kind of existence, one that is both exhilarating and frustrating. Get over yourself and go with the flow.

LIBRA: New beginnings and successful outcomes. That’s what you’re in for now. Of course, that very well might mean you’re going to get fired from your job and your life partner is going to leave you for someone else, but we can’t always get what we want. That’s especially true for you, as you demand balance in all things. Tough titty.

SCORPIO: Your horizons are about to be broadened whether you want them to or not. You’re in a rut and it’s driving you crazy, so embrace this imminent shift in your reality or you’ll get run down by it like a deer in headlights.

SAGITTARIUS: A powerful change is about to hit you like a crapalanche. You’ll gain a newly inspired outlook on things, or you’ll experience a complete and total mental breakdown. Either way, you’re going to go through it no matter what. You can make it easy or difficult. Your track record says you’re going to fall apart like a philanderer’s alibi at the first sign of difficulty.

CAPRICORN: Relationships are in the forefront and bring significant changes to your personal life. Whether it’s renewals or silly drama, your part in all of it must be total transparency and honesty. That might be a challenge, as you’re of the mind that it’s not a lie if it forces everyone to get back to work. Expect shit to hit the fan. Bigly.

AQUARIUS: Pay attention to your health by letting go of emotional luggage you’ve been carting around since forever. All tangled up in that are grief, regret, guilt, anger and resentment. It’s an issue you’ve relegated to some dark corner of your mind. Turn. It. Loose. You don’t need it, and it will make you slightly less crazy in the eyes of others.

PISCES: Are you always true to yourself? The cosmos says: not so much. This week’s theme is all about change and you’re noticing lately that your personal authenticity has fallen by the wayside. Don’t be a-scurred to take a step toward bettering yourself. You don’t have to be the sullen asshole people say you are.