July 25 – July 31, 2018

ARIES: You’re faced with an issue – a really, really BIG issue – that you would rather ignore. You know, like taxes or that weird rash that’s been driving you up the wall. Due to the lunar eclipse on July 27, you do NOT get a “get out of jail free” card. With Mars, your ruling planet in retrograde, it’s like the entire universe is taking a giant dump on your head. Ah, but you’re used to that, aren’t you? It’s our advice to you to find it, fix it, and say fuck it.

TAURUS: Are you the one who ordered a clue salad with a side of clarity? Sorry, but we are fresh out of clues. We can offer you suspicion for half price or advice for free. Advice, you say? Okay, here goes: that thing you do when you are self-indulgent and snobby — it doesn’t make you classy, it makes you an asshole. Stop it. Everyone gets that you’re a gold-digger at heart, but flaunting it is just plain fuckery. It’s time to come back to earth like the rest of the peasants.

GEMINI: Nobody’s brain spins faster or comes up with more highly fantastical fantasies meant to dazzle and confuse others. It’s all a game to you, and you’re about to find out what happens when you fail miserably. If stupidity was painful, you’d be in agony. You bring happiness to any occasion…when you leave. You might have some surprising thoughts and ideas, but that doesn’t mean they’re any good. You keep believing in a positive outcome, no matter what. Time to take those rose-colored glasses off and have a REAL look at yourself.

CANCER: So many habits in your life have run their course and it’s time to drop ‘em like they’re hot. With all that’s going on in the cosmos these days, it’s the perfect time for an upgrade. Stop getting sucked into negative situations or dwelling in the past. Your maudlin outlook on life is your worst enemy…yet you continue to bitch and moan about every little thing. This week the choice lies between being reactive and negative or proactive and positive. Be open to change and doing things differently, because the old ways suck.

LEO: If you hear a strange sound behind you, it’s likely your world grinding to a halt. Mercury goes retrograde in your sign and this will cause all the attention you demand like Whitney on crack to shift elsewhere. That’s right, you are persona non-grata and there’s nothing you can do about it. You are a ship without a rudder and its high time you pushed “pause” on things to allow yourself the chance to adjust. Powerful forces are hard at work, and you are being called to a much better place. Go with it.

VIRGO: With you, there’s always room for improvement in both your work and personal lives. Your bossy and irritating nature need to go away like a case of herpes. Your insistence on paying attention to the mundanities of life bores the shit out of everyone. Sometimes even yourself. It’s okay to be cheap, easy, and slovenly once in awhile rather than trying to convince others of your virginal persona…which nobody cares about anyway.

LIBRA: Due to the lunar eclipse on the 27, you find yourself waist-deep in alligators and no one to help you out. It really shouldn’t surprise you, as you typically find yourself in such dire situations these days. Anything you’re trying to avoid is going to come screaming toward you out of nowhere and no matter how hard you try to run from them, shit will hit the proverbial fan. Your best bet is to crawl under a rock and wait it out. Just don’t tell anybody where to find you.

SCORPIO: Your current home life has gotten quite prickly lately, and there’s no escaping it this week, no matter how good your attorney is. Scorpios tend to refuse to face issues straight on, but instead plan your revenge and how best to decimate those who are tormenting you. With Mercury turning retrograde at the top of your natal chart, trying to make any headway whatsoever will fail like a two-legged horse at the Kentucky Derby. The good news is: you can expect change, clarity, or resolution at the end of your trials and tribulations.

SAGITTARIUS: You’re going to experience a dramatic increase in annoyances this week, which is kind of cosmic payback for you being an insufferable jackass most of your life. The shoe is on the other foot, so to speak. But that’s only if that foot is riddled with corns and blisters, with a nice case of athlete’s foot to go with it. People have grown sick of your bullshit and choose not to tolerate it any longer. That could be a blessing in disguise though. Take time to make adjustments to your attitude that will change things in positive ways going forward.

CAPRICORN: You are the most boring person on the planet when you talk incessantly about money and finances. You think that’s all there is to life, and consequently ignore your family and your responsibilities. With Mars retrograde in your area of money, this week will likely suck for you. You’re too attached to the almighty dollar, and it’s a good time to detach. Let go of outdated thinking and you may find yourself headed in a surprising new direction, one that will actually pay off for you in spades.

AQUARIUS: You’re about to learn a very uncomfortable lesson. Like getting poison ivy on your crotch. However, if you handle it with aplomb and a sense of humility, you might just come out smelling like a rose instead. It’s when you stop blaming others for your troubles that you begin to shift things into a more positive and responsible light. Remember, snitches get stitches, and there are far too many people around you who want you to end up in the hospital, sewn together like Frankenstein’s monster. This time, it’s all on you.

PISCES: Your past is hovering over your head right now, and cosmic conditions make it ripe to start raining down on you with everything it’s got. Stop dwelling on your psychic pain and work on healing your issues for a fucking change. Life continues no matter what difficulties you face. When you try to crawl under the bed to hide from things, you end up covered in dust bunnies and are no further along in your need to face your troubles and take care of them like an adult. If you don’t know what that word means, you’re advised to go find yourself a dictionary and pull your head out of your rectal storage area.