Aug. 15 – Aug. 28, 2018

ARIES: At last! Your time of experiencing maddening delays, of people from the past tracking you down to wreak havoc in your life, indecision and unreliability is finally coming to an end. You’re going to have to make major decisions this week. Won’t that be fun?

TAURUS: Keep a close eye on finances this week, for if you neglect them, it will suck deluxe. Check and double check your accounts. You’re about to enter months of frustration and impatience coming at you from all directions, and checks bouncing and payments not reaching their destination on time will really mess you up.

GEMINI: That asshole Mercury is still retrograde (until the 19th), and it’s like he’s doing you doggie-style and forgot the lube AND the condom. Ah, but you’re almost used to it by now. After he has his way and moves on, the world will be a much better place. For the moment. You’ll find yourself in love with life and unwilling to let the Eeyores of the world bring you down.

CANCER: Do NOT start anything new this week. You’ve been plagued by false starts, delays and overwhelming indecision. Jumping the gun now will really screw things up. Your impulsiveness will blow up in your face but seems to slow down … at least for the next week. September’s a whole other story. Time to batten down the hatches.

LEO: No soup for you! Why? Because that’s just how the week’s going to go. Your charisma, energy and leadership is going to be sorely tested. You’ll find a silver lining if you take time to look for it. Chores demand your attention, but you’ll channel some of that frustration into getting stuff done for a change.

VIRGO: While the world is going to hell in a handbasket (thanks Mercury, you prick!), you’re finding that money seems to be flowing in nicely. See? That new career as a sex worker really HAS paid off! Now that you’ve monetized your lust, what else can you accomplish? There’s nothing you can’t do these days. Even with Mercury retrograde until the 19th, he’s decided to leave you alone. For now.

LIBRA: Retreat, rest and contemplate your next move. Things have been ass over teakettle lately, but that should come to a close for you soon. You may find old arguments coming back to haunt you, but your glib, sexy tongue can get you out of rehashing the same old shit. You’ll regain your cosmic luster, and the weirdos will come out of the woodwork to get close to you.

SCORPIO: Do NOT screw with your career right now if you know what’s good for you. Wait, you’re a Scorpio. Of course you don’t know what’s good for you. Protect yourself, your belongings and your ability to become angrier than a Hawaiian volcano. You’ll want to commit murder, but jailhouse orange is not your color. Have a beer and a bong hit and wait.

SAGITTARIUS: By the end of this week, you’ll be flying high as life becomes less of a mess. Friends are seeking you out and all the hard work you’ve put in comes rolling in. That means nothing if you spend it as fast as you make it. Try to rein in your mindless spending and save for a rainy day.

CAPRICORN: You’ve done well in holding back these past couple weeks. Good for you. Don’t let loose yet. Get your accounts in order and record every penny. You’ll want to be ready when the cosmos finally fires the starting gun. Come out of the gate like the fastest racehorse in the world. It’s not survival of the fittest, but the quickest.

AQUARIUS: Relationships remain in focus, which includes new horizons, negotiations and public deals. The planets are still all jumbled up, so you’ll want to be cautious. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Take what you get and be happy you have it.

PISCES: Work is your albatross this week, but you’ll have some tremendous epiphanies as you labor. If there’s a silver lining, that’s it. You’re hopeful about money, but overspending or spending foolishly will upend everything up for you. If that’s what you want, have at it.