Aug. 22 – Aug. 28, 2018

ARIES: Clear skies ahead in your personal life, but your boss is being a jerk, so you’ll have to deal with that source of frustration this week. There are some minor health concerns, but nothing you can’t handle in your typically abrasive and impatient way. Try to keep from bashing yourself in the forehead for now.

TAURUS: It’s advisable to be as lazy as you want this week. You have a lot to ponder, including life goals, finances, surgery and medical proceedings, lifestyle changes, and commitment. You’ve been lax in many of these areas, and they’re all going to rear their ugly heads in the weeks to come. Make sure you’re prepared, slacker.

GEMINI: The cosmos is getting back to business as usual this week, so go forth and wreak havoc in the world once more. Life will be intriguing for you, though you may not have the attention span to benefit from it. Try to understand that you aren’t interested in romance but instead are merely fuck-struck by those you’re attracted to.

CANCER: New relationships catch fire now that the cosmos have straightened up somewhat. That doesn’t mean you won’t have to work hard at them, though. If you shirk your end of relationship building, you’ll get mediocre results, if they don’t simply explode in your face. Set some relationship goals that are realistic then get off your ass and get busy!

LEO: You are focused on earnings, possessions (not of the demonic kind, sadly), purchasing, sales, and client relationships all centered around your career. While you might think you’re the cat’s pajamas, you’re really not, and no matter how hard you try, no one’s going to believe you. Stay humble and get your work done. That’s where success lies.

VIRGO: Ahhh…a breath of fresh air at last! These past weeks have exhausted you and you want nothing more than to burrow back into bed and stay there for a week. Just beware of anyone who wants to partner with you in both your work and personal lives. They’re likely to be soul-sucking vampires who only want to drain you dry.

LIBRA: Blacks clouds that have dominated your personal skies recently begin to part, allowing light to filter through and help guide you back onto your path. There are heated arguments in your immediate future that will cause you to want to ditch all the hard work you’ve put in. Stop being a crybaby and put your adulting pants on. You’re going to need them.

SCORPIO: Career is front and center for you now. Take time to really think through any forward moves you hope to make to be sure they’re not riddled with land mines. You’ll have time to work on social connections and relationships later this year. On the work front, spear those who offer only rebellious non-cooperation with a rusty knife. Fuck ‘em.

SAGITTARIUS: You’re not in the clear yet so don’t jump the gun. Your luck right now is shitty, and you’ll feel that you’re being tested by the powers that be. By week’s end, you’ll feel a bit better, but give it an extra day or two to be sure. Watch out for malfunctioning machines, especially cars.

CAPRICORN: If possible, rest and relaxation are called for this week. We know how you prefer to be a workaholic, but you have to take a break sometime. The weekend sucks as there are many disruptions and you see no results from your efforts. Don’t cry. Everything evens out soon enough.

AQUARIUS: Put up or shut up, Aquarius! Time to put your efforts where your words are. You’re a big talker, but not so good on the action. Dig deep and reject surface appearances. Not everything is as it appears. Due diligence is your friend. Pay attention.

PISCES: All work and no play makes you very fucking boring. While you’re stuck in work matters and chores this week, things loosen up for you quickly. You’ll find new horizons if you only look for them. You can’t do that with your head up your ass, so stop it already! Avoid distractions and disruptions if possible.