Sept. 12 – Sept. 25, 2018

ARIES: Work work work … is that all you ever think about? You can stay as busy as you want, but you still won’t outrun your shitty reputation. But you already knew that, didn’t you? It’s not all ugly this week, though. Your ruling planet, Mars, boosts your capacity for really bad ideas and unnecessary aggression. Take a chill pill.

TAURUS: Things are finally shifting to give you a bit of breathing room. You like it slow and steady (in so many ways), but the past few months have been truly stagnant, giving even the most steadfast Taureans a gigantic pain in the ass. Shit zings by so quickly now that you barely have time to say, “WTF?”

GEMINI: You’re flightier than a speeding bullet this week, Twins, and that’s exactly how you like it. The harder and faster things are, the more secure you feel. You’re the only sign that can handle such events with grace, aplomb and not just a little bit of humor. To others it all looks like chaos. To you, it’s like butter.

CANCER: You may have an eye on changing things around, perhaps looking for a new domestic situation or moving out of a toxic relationship. We all know how much you like making things difficult to justify all the whining and tears. You make it impossible for anyone to underestimate you. You’re not the stupidest person on the planet, but you better hope he doesn’t die soon.

LEO: You insist on being on top, which includes not only your career and personal life, but in bed too. With planets shifting out of retrograde, you might find yourself so far above everyone else that you’re alone. Your delicate sensibilities will never allow that to last long. You can’t function if someone’s not stroking your ego. So what if you have to pay people to be your friends?

VIRGO: It’s best to get out that jumbo dictionary you keep at the back of your closet next to the handcuffs and leather whip so you can understand what’s being said this week. You are confused by even the simplest things, like tying your shoes or putting your underwear on backward. Education is your friend if you can pay attention long enough.

LIBRA: You’re about to find out that all this time, you really COULDN’T tell your ass from a hole in the ground. Your ruling planet, Venus, is also going retrograde next month, so it’s a double whammy for you. Look before you leap. If you decide to crawl into a hole, make sure there are no creepy-crawlies first.

SCORPIO: This is a time for connecting with others, and not just potential victims of your serial-killer tendencies. Your charisma and popularity are at high tide this week, and you’d do well to leverage it while you can. If there are bodies to move from under the floorboards, do it now.

SAGITTARIUS: Your ego is working overtime, Sag. Cut that shit out. Nobody likes when you’re overly cocky and playing the know-it-all. Your levels of ambition and sociability are also revving their engines, so it’ll take some work on your part not to be an asshole. Indulge but be cautious. Don’t let it go to your head.

CAPRICORN: Self-improvement is at the top of your super-long list this week. You seek motivation and, most of all, the spotlight. If you’re not center stage, you get pissy, which is NOT a good look on you. Any similarity between you and an actual human is purely coincidental.

AQUARIUS: Intimacy is a priority for you, but at what cost? Your approach smacks of desperation. Stop overthinking it, you’ll sprain what brain matter you have left. We all know your level of selfishness is jaw-dropping, so you’re fooling yourself if you think you’re keeping that dirty little secret. Try using your powers for good instead of self-serving evil. Nobody likes a braggart.

PISCES: You’re feeling insecure and out of sorts. Closing ranks against the rest of the world is strongly suggested this week. Beef up your social connections so that you’re positive they’ll have your back no matter what. You have to love nature despite all it’s done to you.