Sept. 19 – Sept. 25, 2018

ARIES: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work you go! Thankfully, this is your last week of mind-numbing drudgery and frustration where career is concerned. You know, though, that boredom is your worst enemy, and not having enough to do will land you in deep shit. Set your sights on the near future and get things into motion now rather than waiting to do it out of necessity like you usually do, you lazy cow. Get off the couch and get your ass in gear. Time’s a-wasting!

TAURUS: You’re tempted to down-shift gears and revert back to your typically lazy self this week. The cosmos says, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” and kicks your ass into high gear. You’re feeling friendlier than your usual surly demeanor, but you’re also much more stubborn than usual. This may lead to fights, rejection, and some sort of personal loss, but you refuse to acknowledge that fact. This may very well be an excellent life lesson you need to learn, so pay attention.

GEMINI: You have had the dreary doldrums lately and haven’t been your usual jovial self. WTF? Pull your head out of your ass and snap out of it! Find your way to provide diplomacy in matters of strong emotion even if you feel like kicking someone for being a stupid doody-head. Yes, you’re the child of the zodiac, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like it all the time. Your libido will be in high gear, so be sure to hide all the pets and farm animals in your area so you can avoid jail time for unlawful carnal knowledge of ducks and pigs.

CANCER: Restless, much? Your frustration with superficiality, mundane errands, short trips, communications and stupid chores should abate this week. If you can, maintain an aura of curiosity, and finish things up with dedication and focus and not the usual “that’s good enough” attitude you tend to live by. There’s a mystery headed your way, and if you’re careless or lazy, you’ll fail at solving it. Do you care? You should try at the very least, so people believe in the illusion that you’re not a total heartless bastard.

LEO: Know what happens when a big cat like you, Leo, gets bored? You get destructive. You have no preference whether you try to destroy someone’s dreams or a fulfilling relationship. To you they’re mere playthings. When you’re happy and feeling fulfilled, you are more magnanimous and caring. Your justification for behaving badly is usually, “Screw ‘em if they can’t take it.” Not everyone can. That doesn’t mean they’re not worth treating with kindness and love, dumbass. By middle of next week, you’ll wonder what you did wrong.

VIRGO: While you’re typically known for your innovation and creativity, this week you couldn’t create or innovate your way out of a wet paper bag. You’re prone to being unfocused currently, and don’t want to get mired in some deal you didn’t really want anyway. By week’s end, things start to lighten up. Too bad that same can’t be said for you. Stop manufacturing drama for the sake of your own entertainment. Arguments are bad form. Try educating yourself on the facts and engage in healthy debates instead. No one is swayed by name-calling and stupidity.

LIBRA: Feeling held back and frustrated lately? Rather than head for the liquor store like you usually do, maybe you could try a hike in the back country in a blizzard instead. If you get lost, all the better for the rest of the world. Who wants a mopey-ass Libra following us around? If you’re so inclined, focus on your creativity and do things that lift your spirits. Come the weekend, you’ll be flying high and sober.

SCORPIO: You have about one week to get all that partying out of your system before the cosmos bears down on you and it’s back to the old grind. You’re more comfortable working, anyway. Let everyone else suffer through awkward social interactions and having to pretend they’re having a good time. You have more important matters to tend to. This week you’ll have an IDGAF attitude and will wear it like a badge of honor. Rock on!

SAGITTARIUS: You slip by in life dependent on your ready reserve of energy and charisma. That’s all going to come crashing down on your head this week. Don’t despair just because no one is there to help you when you fall. It’s high time you became self-sufficient enough so that you don’t have to ask for volunteers to wipe your ass. Yeah, you’re good at getting others to do all the work, but now you find yourself helpless and wondering where all your so-called friends went? Try not to be such a bastard and maybe people will stick around.

CAPRICORN: The oompa-loompas are your spirit animal this week. Why? Because we said so, that’s why. Don’t get all high and mighty thinking you know things when you’re really just faking it. Put your education to use and actually impress the world that you’ve learned things. Because right now, no one is buying your “factual” bullshit. Your charisma leaves a lot to be desired, so you’re not going to be able to slide by much longer. Hang around with smarter people and maybe some of their genius will rub off on you.

AQUARIUS: Secrets and mysteries abound for you this week. You are more determined and in a “my shit doesn’t stink” mode, which won’t win you friends or influence people, but it will make people avoid you at any cost. So, what is it going to be: feast or famine? Improve your approach and figure out how to better succeed at your chosen profession. Be ambitious but take time to notice and appreciate those around you who are doing all the grunt work to make you look better. Taking them for granted will ensure that they disappear without a single goodbye or fare-thee-well.

PISCES: It’s all about shitty relationships right now, and you couldn’t be more pissy about it. It’s time to understand that it’s your poor choices that make you miserable and not the quality of those you choose to associate with. Don’t like abusive people? Don’t encourage them or allow them to treat you like total crap. People only treat you like you allow them to treat you. Grow a pair and stand up for yourself. Nobody likes a victim attitude.