Sept. 26 – Oct. 2, 2018

ARIES: This week’s vocabulary word is “goals.” Yeah, we know that scares the crap out of you. Was it your lifetime goal to spend every day miserable and alone because you’re such an obnoxious jerk? You are meant for much bigger things, like storing a winter’s worth of crumbs and other food particles in the folds of your fat for safe-keeping.

TAURUS: Last week was your last chance to be a lazy ass. This week it’s all about work. Strap on that yoke and get plowing, baby. Being the zodiac’s beast of burden is a bitch, but it’s part of life so deal with it. Once you get into the swing of things, you’ll reap rewards almost immediately.

GEMINI: You might mistake the feelings you’re experiencing as some kind of weird “I’m-in-love” thang, but rest assured it’s not that all. If ever there was a sign in the zodiac that could become star-struck at the drop of a hat (or pair of pants), it’s you. Keep your clothes on unless you want to perpetuate your reputation as cosmic slut.

CANCER: What a bundle of contradictions you are this week. You say no when you mean yes. You believe you love someone but want to stab them with a fork. What’s a Crab to do? It’s best for everyone if you just crawl under the bed and stay there until October.

LEO: This week will be full of frustrations. To add to the massive pile of dung the universe is dumping on you, that rash you thought had healed comes back worse than before. It’s actually good news: you are being called to rid yourself of everything that isn’t serving you. It’s merely the thunderstorm before the rainbow.

VIRGO: You want nothing more than to be showered with shiny baubles and trinkets, despite the fact that they do not improve your feelings of self-worth. In your mind, you’re always going to be the ugly duckling and never the beautiful swan. It’s okay, Virgo. There are things you’re really good at, like obsessive compulsive disorder and psychoses.

LIBRA: You are chock full of charisma this week, but so was Charles Manson. Things are beginning to shift and it’s your choice to see them as positive or negative. Keep your nose to the proverbial grindstone lest you decide to interfere with destiny and screw the whole thing up for everyone.

SCORPIO: Your personal energy is quite low going into autumn, and you’re glad for the reprieve. That doesn’t mean you can indulge in your favorite pastime – moping – but if you actively try to learn something about yourself you didn’t know before, then the universe supports you. You might think you have the flu this week, but it’s only feelings of romance for someone you just met.

SAGITTARIUS: We’re quickly approaching your birthday month and the end of the year. Start laying the groundwork now for what’s looming over the far horizon. For now, enjoy the peace and quiet, because by mid-December it’s balls-to-the-walls, pedal to the metal, full steam ahead, and you’re going to need all the resources you can get.

CAPRICORN: Like The Little Engine That Could, you will be similarly infected with far too much ambition this week. You’ll be inundated with calls, information, discussions and meetings that take up too much of your precious time. Instead of complaining, remember that it’s your fault for over-committing. Move cautiously or else you’ll fall on your butt.

AQUARIUS: Okay, you annoying know-it-all, everyone around you is pretty tired of your babbling on about things no one really cares about. Though your levels of courage and determination are strong, you may be too blasé about climbing up off the couch and away from your current Netflix binge. Either take advantage of this energy now or lose it forever.

PISCES: All of life’s secrets and mysteries fill your vapid little head this week. You’re left pondering what to do while also trying to remember to breathe on occasion. You’re in the midst of a month of radical changes that will either knock you flat or stimulate you like you put the wrong size batteries in your vibrator.