Sept. 5 – Sept. 11, 2018

ARIES: Focus remains on that laughable thing you call a job. You’ll be bogged down by machinery, family, and service people. You should refrain from making any major decisions for now. Last week was a green light, but they’re all changing to red faster’n shit through a goose. You’re going to feel like you’re pushing wet cement uphill using just your hands. You’re feeling out of sorts, and maybe it’s time to take a breather so you don’t drop dead from exhaustion.

TAURUS: Ahh…romance, love, money, and sex…the eternal driving forces behind humanity. Too bad you’re in a drought right now and there’s no end in sight. Might as well find a hobby to fill all the free time you’ll have. However, there is someone you’ve had your eye on and they on you. It might be that the moment you stop looking for a relationship is the moment the opportunity will appear before you. Don’t hesitate.

GEMINI: You have been quite the homebody lately, which is causing concern amongst your friends. The transition from summer to autumn renders you exhausted and looking forward to quieter months. When confronted with your less-than-partylike demeanor, stand your ground. No one can party 365.25 days a year. Not even your counterpart, Sagittarius. Your mind is occupied with more important things like whether Brad Pitt is good in bed, or whether Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, actually sleeps in a coffin. Embrace the dark side of your nature. It does a body good.

CANCER: “Easy” is your key word this week…and no, we’re not referring to your sex life. Things have taken on a placid pace, which suits you just fine. You tend to overreact when stressed out. Or pretty much any time, but you’re in that sweet spot where things move along as they should without any additional force or pressure on you. If you get stir crazy, a shopping spree might be in order, as long as you don’t succumb to buyer’s remorse the moment you get home with fifteen things you don’t need.

LEO: Money is your spirit animal this week. You need to practice your schmoozing skills to build that foundation of strong business connections. There are bargains everywhere that are worth your while as long as you don’t pitch a hissy fit just because things don’t go your way. Concentrate on earning the money you need to meet your basic needs and everything else will fall into place. If you let it.

VIRGO: Timing is everything, and this week, you’re on a roll. A Kaiser roll, but still… Just slap some mustard on yourself and call yourself a sandwich! Seriously, though, you ride a wave of energy (positive, for once) that finds you enjoying life and the world around you instead of bitching about everything. Be the uber-thirsty sort you truly are, and plow forward like an out-of-control steam engine. What’s the worst that could happen?

LIBRA: The cosmos is telling you to kick back, relax, and pamper yourself.  No, we’re talking about fetishizing diapers, you big silly. It’s not appropriate to let your freak flag fly this week because it scares the children. You’re recuperating from a long, difficult summer mentally and emotionally, so be thankful that some of the planets that have been fucking things up in retrograde are beginning to go direct. Finally. You need to be ready for autumn, which is a lot closer than you think.

SCORPIO: “It might seem crazy what I’m ‘bout to say…” Pharrell’s hit pop song “Happy” might seem a strange way to start your astrology this week, but it fits, if only because it’s very rare that you’re in a good mood. Your public life will smooth out even while homelife experiences a shit-ton of friction. Might be a good idea to memorize “Happy” and sing it wherever you go, and fuck anyone who doesn’t like it.

SAGITTARIUS: People know you as ambitious, which, in your case, might be a bad thing. Do you step on others on your way up the corporate ladder? Is your social standing more important to you than friends? It would seem that way, as your formidable ego seems to be in the driver’s seat currently, and it’s exhibiting extreme road rage because no one will get out of your way. You’re encouraged to stay out of the public eye now, as you might end up there for all the wrong reasons.

CAPRICORN: Your week is filled with tedious details that you’d much rather ignore and stay home and in bed. Don’t give in! Chase your ambitions, run naked through the streets, steal a car…whatever you feel like doing. Yes, there are always consequences for your actions, but you don’t give a fuck. You’re tired of the restraints you place on yourself day after day. Unlike Libra, you WILL let your freak flag fly this week. Relish the feeling.

AQUARIUS: Life is mysterious and holds many secrets, like why are you insane? Or, why the hell was I born without an attention span? You tend to be demanding, irresponsible, and have never really given a hoot about anything or anyone but yourself, so why change now? Because if you continue on this ill-chosen path, there’s a heapin’ helpin’ of regret headed directly for you. Do you stop, drop, and roll? Well, you’d better do something, and quickly.

PISCES: As clueless as you tend to be, you might be happy knowing that you’re about to experience some new opportunities that will change your life forever. But where there’s light, there’s also darkness, so you’ll find numerous challenges and a lot of opposition as well. Try to cooperate and be diplomatic with those who can help you get ahead. Everyone else is only interested in holding you back and trampling over your dreams, so fuck ‘em.