April 18 – 24, 2018

ARIES: Truth or dare? Well, everyone knows that you will ALWAYS choose dare. So here it is: we dare you to stick a Flaming Hot Cheeto up your nose and leave it there for five minutes. Sound painful and embarrassing? Guess what…that’s your life right now. No matter how hard you try, things always go awry (and yes, that was meant to rhyme). There’s no escaping it. Not even if you try blaming things on someone else. Your every deed – good and bad – are going to come back and bite you in the ass. Sucks to be you.

TAURUS: You know that annoying trait you have of peering down your sizable schnoz at the rest of the world? You are warned not to be dismissive and rude. You have someone who is clamoring for your attention and you’re urge is to brush them off, shine them on, tell them to go piss up a rope. It’s not the time for that. Give this person (or persons) your full attention, as they have something very important to tell you that might very well change your life. What they say may sound ludicrous, but it’s your challenge to take them seriously. You’ll be glad you did.

GEMINI: You are the master of unspoken communication. Subliminal, even. Hoo boy, is that talent going to get you into a lot of trouble this week. You love nothing more than sitting around talking about your plans to take over the world. The thing is: everything you say now will sound like a bomb threat phoned in to the White House. It’s in your best interest to keep your pie-hole shut and just smile and nod whenever someone attempts you to speak out. Better yet, go hide under your bed. Remember, Gemini…closed mouths gather no feet.

CANCER: Hey, big thinker! Whatcha got goin’ on in that strange little brain of yours? You’ve got an itchy pocket that’s holding money and you’re just dying to spend it. Not just on a shiny bauble or cheap trinket, either. You’re thinking of buying a house or a new computer (which costs almost the same as a house these days). Even a new car. Where’s this urge coming from? You haven’t won the lottery lately, as you’re far too stingy to spend your money on that kind of crap. You’re strongly advised to get a second opinion before you release the kraken from your wallet or pocketbook. You will definitely get buyer’s remorse on this. Trust us.

LEO: You’ve been on a stunning lucky streak lately. Perhaps you’d best sit down before reading this next statement: your luck has come to a crashing end. Your attempts to be a superstar are going to end up in the tabloids, right up there with Bill Cosby, aliens in Crestone, and Justin Beiber. Perhaps you should rethink your immediate goals, as it appears the universe is conspiring against you. Even you, you silver-tongued devil, won’t be able to talk your way out of this. Make sure you have your attorney and a bailbondsman on speed dial. Shit has hit the fan and you’re standing right in front of it.

VIRGO: You might be trying to get organized, but the universe refuses to comply. Well, you’re used to people and things working against you, and this is no different. You feel flustered and out of sorts. Not to worry. Find yourself some poor sucker to come in and organize for you! What’s a few hundred dollars when you don’t have to do it yourself? It’s well worth it. 

LIBRA: You’re a big dreamer, ain’tcha, Libra? When you talk, people are starstruck, seeing your vision sparkling across the heavens like a fairy tale. It might be wise to remember that none of the original fairy tales ended well for the characters. They were often eaten by monsters or given some horrible, painful fate. It’s long past time that you start listening to the wise counsel of your friends and colleagues. You’ve been struggling to chase your dreams all by your lonesome. That’s no fun, is it?

SCORPIO: Confidence has always been an issue for you because you have so much information to draw from, much more than anyone else. That information isn’t always clear or makes much sense, but you’ve survived anyway, haven’t you? That’s because, like the virtually unkillable cockroach, you endure. In fact, one might think you thrive on disaster! Over the weekend, though, you’ll be back on solid ground and can continue to be your usual cockroach-ey self.

SAGITTARIUS: Things wouldn’t be so bad for you right now if you had only learned moderation in all things. But no, you had to go and eat ALL the chocolate, not only pissing off your significant other (because you’d purchased the candy to give to them in the first place…as an apology for your assholiness), but you’ve really gone and screwed the pooch. Do you do these things on purpose, knowing your ability to sweet-talk anything and everything that walks upright? You must, because you keep getting yourself in trouble. Must be the make-up sex.

CAPRICORN: You’ve got a bad case of the blues lately and are getting pretty tired of it. Everything seems to set out to frustrate you in some way. Work, friends, relatives, lunch…everything seems out to get you. That’s not just paranoia talking, either. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your behavior and your treatment of others. You can only go so long treating others like absolute shit without that negativity turning around and smacking you in the face. It’s time for your comeuppance, and there’s nothing you can do but grin and bear it. 

AQUARIUS: Ever seen a movie in which a small mistake turns into murder and mayhem? Well, there might not be murder in your future, but there’s most definitely mayhem. And it’s quite likely that you started it. Intentionally. That’s because you’re a badass when you’re not being a whiny bitch. You love doing what people least expect, and you’re in a fine mood for creating chaos. It will seem like the universe is placing the exactly wrong type of people in your path, and your interactions explode in the most spectacular ways. Just make sure to get it all recorded so you can brag about it later.

PISCES: You’re quite opinionated about how the world should work. The problem is that the reality you exist in has more in common with Disneyland than what anyone else experiences. This week, you should consider being much more reserved than ever before. The less you say, the happier you (and everyone else) will be. It’s a new strategy for you, and you’re not sure you’re comfortable being the fly on the wall instead of the center of attention. Going against the grain works for you, though, and you might just want to incorporate it into your life strategy. If you have one. Maybe you should think about getting one of those while you’re at it.