Aug. 1-14, 2018

ARIES: For you this week, finances are in the spotlight. Oh, not that fun spotlight like you see at the circus or at a play. This is a terrible light that rivals the intensity of a million suns. You’re tempted to drag stuff into that light that has been hidden for a lifetime. Take your shit to a flea market and sell it and hope like hell someone will actually buy it.

TAURUS: Stop living in the past! It makes you a brooding mess and you stop caring about anything like basic hygiene or giving a shit about anyone but yourself. Think of this as an opportunity for completing something so you can move on. That is, unless the voices in your head say differently.

GEMINI: The universe laughs at your puny, pathetic plans. It scoffs at your hypocritical nature. You think you’re all that AND a bag of chips, but really, you’re just a smashed quarter pounder in the gutter. Leave yourself lots of time to get anything done, as it’s not likely to go well, no matter what it is. For now.

CANCER: Remember the last time you felt at peace? It’s probably a good thing that you don’t remember, because this week the shit’s going to hit the fan, both literally and figuratively. But you’re in your element and love hard work and determined effort. Let that passion fly!

LEO: Your spirit animal this week is the Cowardly Lion. With all the crap headed directly for you, you’re going to whimper and cry and try to run away. Lucky for you that the Sun is traversing your sign, giving you a positive outlook and the ability to get through it. Try not to screw it up like you usually do.

VIRGO: Your inner landscape closely resembles that of a planet pummeled by meteors. Find a quiet corner (or a padded room) and do some soul searching (considering you even have a soul). Do nothing but mope. You’ve earned it.

LIBRA: Pay very close attention to where you’re stepping this week, both literally and figuratively. There is danger afoot. You’re going to be careless and irresponsible. Not because that’s who you are, but because there are nine planets in retrograde right now and they’re kicking your sorry ass. Be patient, grasshopper.

SCORPIO: There is a black hole in your life that’s sucking your time, energy and will to live. It is probably related to a person or persons who’ve been causing you all kinds of grief. Forget about those sorry jerks and move on. You haven’t the time or the desire to deal with idiots.

SAGITTARIUS: You’re about to do something so out of character, everyone will avoid you because you’ve been replaced by a pod person. Where you love the spotlight, this week it will not love you back, but will show every flaw and scar you’ve ever acquired. You’ll run from that light like it’s a bill collector. Tough it out.

CAPRICORN: Good gawd, who died and made YOU King Midas. Money is a focus this week and will occur in every part of your world. Your social life is also kicking into gear. What gives? Just don’t let it all go to your head and spend your earnings foolishly. It’s a good time to be penny-wise, not compete in a popularity contest.

AQUARIUS: It’s rare for you to feel this confident and full of piss and vinegar, yet here you are! Power is your middle name when it comes to career matters, especially if you’re called on to give a presentation. Just remember: the person who pays the piper, gets to call the tune. Use that power like the high-falutin’ bitch you are!

PISCES: You’ve been hard at work earning spiritual strength lately, and now wonder if you’ve achieved that goal. Magic 8 Ball says: All signs point to yes. You’re moving into a wonderful time and will reap the rewards for all your effort. See? Good behavior DOES pay off! Just don’t get used to it. It can all change in an instant and probably will.