April 11 – April 18, 2018

ARIES: You have a tendency to be all talk and no action this week. Strangely enough, no one will notice. They’re used to hearing you babble on about things that they have zero interest in. You may even get tired of hearing yourself talk, so sit down and shut up.

TAURUS: It’s time for change as you’re bored with everything and everyone. You’ve been practicing your eye-roll so much your eyelids have biceps. On top of it all, people are picking arguments with you, putting you in a foul temper. They need to learn not to piss you off.

GEMINI: People take life far too seriously, and that’s your responsibility this week. Teach them to laugh at the world and themselves. Hide their car keys in a pile of dog shit. Stretch plastic wrap across the toilet bowl. Put sriracha in their coffee. If they can’t laugh at themselves, you’ll do it for them.

CANCER: This might be the perfect time to stick your fingers in your ears and sing the national anthem at the top of your lungs. Why? Because people insist on telling you things you’d rather not hear. When they call you childish, thank them and go on your way. Nobody needs that kind of negativity.

LEO: You may need to put your social life on hold for a few days, as you can’t maintain your fabulosity and have deep thoughts at the same time. This week, you just might get lost inside your mind, going deeper than ever before. Take advantage because it doesn’t happen very often.

VIRGO: Your mind is sharp enough to cut cheese, but then everyone looks at you when the air smells of poo gas. The world needs to know that just because you’re virtuous and innocent doesn’t mean you can’t cut a mean fart. Sometimes perfection smells bad.

LIBRA: It’s not a good time to start new things, at least for the time being. You’ll have trouble focusing which will screw up your follow-through, and people already think you’re air-headed enough. Don’t prove them right. It will be difficult to recover your reputation if you fuck up now.

SCORPIO: Do you know why you have a hard time getting others to like you? It’s because you like yourself enough for everybody. That’s not how you win friends and influence people. It’s a good time to at least pretend you care or your behavior will come back to haunt you.

SAGITTARIUS: You’re headed straight into an F-5 relationship storm and don’t even know it. Have you been neglecting your partnership duties lately? All signs point to yes. Pull your head out of your ass and pay attention or else you’ll find yourself alone faster’n you can say, “Oops!”

CAPRICORN: You hate drama, enough that you avoid confrontation even when it’s necessary. Life is not a giant bowl of cherries, dumbass, so stop pretending it is. Time to put your adulting pants on. Shit doesn’t go away just because you want it to.

AQUARIUS: Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You are more emotional than the situation calls for. You find yourself going from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. Not only is it unhealthy, it’s unnecessary. Stop the histrionics and act like an adult.

PISCES: You’re in the mood for love, and it’s hard to stop a horny Pisces. Doesn’t matter if you’re married or single, your libido is revving its engine and raring to go. A cold shower only makes it worse. If you lose control, you’ll end up on the Sex Offender list … so don’t do it.