March 21 – March 27, 2018

CAPRICORN: Frustration feels like a ship’s anchor around your neck, mainly because you’ve set such lofty expectations and expect everyone to meet them. Not only is that a foolish approach, it borders on ludicrous. A little work on your part will help alleviate that frustration, at least a little bit. However, it’ll be enough to get you back to a balanced place within where you can once feel like you’re on top of the world.

AQUARIUS: Things are certainly looking up for you, Aquarius! People who tried to force you to drink their haterade will now find that you’re pissing rainbows and shitting gold coins. Be patient and don’t hold their stupidity against them. Needless haste will cause you to overlook important details, and you can’t afford that type of negativity. By next week, you’ll be surrounded by admirers who will lead you into trying new experiences. Win!

PISCES: Your brilliant (if vague) advice falls on deaf ears right now, so you might as well keep it to yourself. People are more apt to shoot the messenger (you) than they are to heed your wisdom. Be wary of partnerships right now. That person you were thinking of collaborating with has a different agenda than what they’ve been telling you. Yep, they’re out to fuck you over. Take a stand and stand your ground. In due time, there will be several villages calling you because they want their idiots back. Dump those chumps.

ARIES: As the most energetic sign in the zodiac, you are on fire this week! You’ll have plenty of chances to display your bravado and courage, just make sure that you’re not seen as the court jester instead. People don’t like change, and they especially don’t like being told what to do. Instead, tell them where to go! By the weekend, it’s nose to the grindstone once again. Take your time and do it right so you don’t end up having to do things more than once.

TAURUS: You are the beast of burden right now, Taurus, and you don’t like it at all. Others are taking advantage of your tenacity, strength, and need for pretty things. Don’t let them lure you with cubic zirconia when you deserve diamonds. The adage, “Don’t piss on MY leg and tell me it’s raining!” describes your life for the time being. Don’t worry, one good kick in their crotch will get them running for the hills. They should know better than to fuck with you.

GEMINI: You are a verbal tennis pro. You can volley witty ideas and scathing sarcasm with the best of them. This week you’re rested and ready to go the distance. Just make sure you are as clear as possible because people definitely suffer from “selective hearing.” As we’re in Mercury Retrograde, your glib abilities will become tongue twisters instead of bon mots. If you’re forced to be two-faced, make at least one of them pretty.

CANCER: Your spirit animal this week is Zsa-Zsa Gabor. You’ll feel impulsive, especially when it comes to spending money. Just make sure your mantra, ”The bigger the better,” doesn’t send you to the poorhouse. Also be very careful about who you step on on the way to the top. Your brand of ambition is brutal to others, as you care very little about what they want. Remember the Santana lyrics, You’ve got to change your evil ways…baby. He might just be singing about you.

LEO: You’re not your usual self this week, and that spells trouble. Even if you were twice as smart as you are, you’ll still feel stupid. You’re well overdue for some deep introspection and time alone, and now’s the perfect moment to stay indoors as much as possible. Toward the end of the week, you’ll emerge from your self-imposed absence and expect your friends and loved ones to be ready to party! Let ‘er rip!

VIRGO: Your OCD is really kicking your ass this week. You’re on the verge of either having a nervous breakdown or start drinking like a drunken monkey, neither of which are pretty. And you know that every time you drink, you ugly cry, so maybe it’s best to avoid that. Be as patient as a Type A personality can, and things will begin smoothing out and you’ll be back in the game. Remember, we’re in Mercury Retrograde phase, and things for you will be a challenge for several weeks.

LIBRA: Remember the story of the Pied Piper of Hamelin, who was hired to rid the German town of rats, but also took the children as well? That’s you right now. You will lead haters and disbelievers to seeing that your creativity is truly awesome, allowing you to open up to listen to those detractors as they regale you with stories of how they were stupid not to believe. You have people hanging on your every word, so leverage that as social currency.

SCORPIO: You? Cause trouble? Psssshhhht. Tell them that ‘trouble’ is your middle name, and if they don’t stop annoying you, it’s going to become your first and last name as well. You have little patience for fools, and it seems like you’re surrounded by them. By the weekend, the skies clear and you begin feeling a bit more generous and less cranky. You already have all the solutions you need in that head of yours. Put them to use.

SAGITTARIUS: Luck just might be on your side in the coming days, but if you test it, you will surely fail. Let it flow naturally. Act like you’re already winning and you will. Keep that boastful tongue in check, though, or the shinola will turn to shit. You can do it if you draw on the endless source of optimism that you possess, and you won’t need to brag even a little bit.