March 28 – April 3, 2018

CAPRICORN: “Feels” are just not your thing, yet this week your heart and your head are conspiring to make you an emotional marshmallow. Or worse, one of those disgustingly squishy “Peeps” that emerge near Easter. This just may be the perfect time for you to leverage this killer combination to your advantage. People will be so shocked by your display of emotion, it will put them off their guard. That’s when you swoop in and make a deal so outrageously to your benefit, you’ll wonder why you haven’t tried this tactic before!

AQUARIUS: You pretend to be shy and demure, but c’mon…really? Your exhibitionist tendencies come forward this week, and you’ll want to take full advantage. One of two things will then happen: you’ll be arrested for public indecency or no one will notice. Perhaps you should think this through before acting impulsively. If you’re planning to get anything done this week, though, it will take discipline and self-restraint, things you have to work hard at to pull off. While everyone else is rushing around like headless chickens, you have an opportunity to step in and be the hero.

PISCES: What do you call a Piscean lying on the front porch? Matt. Is that your life’s dream, to let everyone walk all over you? It’s time to get off your lazy ass and do something about it. People may see you as a pushover, but they underestimate you. And you let them. By next week you’ll have changed everyone’s perception of you. It will be like trying to swim against the current, but who better to do so than you?

ARIES: You are a pro at overthinking things, and this week is no different. Take a breath, step back, and stop butting your head against the wall. Patience might be a virtue, but you’ll have none of that happy-crappy! If you can manage not to piss everyone in the whole world off, you’ll be fine by next week. There’ll be people to do and things to meet, and you’ll be happy as…well, as happy as YOU can be. Lawd knows, that’s like expecting a honey badger to tap dance and actually give a shit. But as everyone knows: honey badger DON’T give a shit.

TAURUS: Better buy facial tissue in bulk for your week, because you’ll be weepy and a giant cesspool of emotions. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Everyone knows you’re really a softie under all that bluster and noise. By week’s end, that cesspool will magically turn into charm, something you could use a lot of. So buck up! Once the emotional storm passes, you’ll have that much-admired, feet-on-the-ground attitude that people expect from you. Beware, though…Mercury Retrograde affects even the astrological Bull. So be careful what you step in.

GEMINI: If you get any smarter, people are going to start thinking you’re of alien intelligence. Don’t show off, though. You’ve got a LOT of work to do on telling the truth instead of just spewing shit to entertain yourself, because everyone knows what happens when a Gemini gets bored. It’s time you stopped keeping everyone at arm’s length and commit to being a real, authentic friend. Those “feels” you get on occasion – the one’s that freak you the fuck out? – are there to make you more human. If you don’t know what that means, look it up. Even you could use a better education.

CANCER: Indecision is killing you. That’s because you use your emotions to make choices when you should be using your head. However, your head and your heart are having a juicy spat that leaves you exhausted, trying to figure out which way to turn. Your best fix is to retreat to a nice, hot bath. Dare to be selfish…or shellfish, as the case may be. You don’t have the energy to fix other people, nor should you try. Why is it up to you to mend other’s problems? What have they done for YOU lately? Call in a few favors and stop spinning your wheels on others’ behalf.

LEO: Your intuition is as sharp as your claws now, and you can put it to good use by digging deep to get a firm grasp on the big picture. When it comes to finding things out that someone doesn’t want exposed, you’re a super-sleuth. Your findings will save the day and expose those who are trying to undermine others’ efforts at doing good. You’re full of fire and passion and that energy commands attention from everyone around you. You’re the true leader of the pack, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. But even you need to rest from saving the world. Over the weekend, choose creativity over conflict.

VIRGO: Sometimes people ask you why you rarely show emotion, and your response is to stare blankly back at them. Emotions? What are those? With your ruling planet in retrograde, you’d be well served to slowly back away from them and then flee the moment they’re out of sight. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their lives. Just be cautioned that your head and heart are at war at this time, and it’s best if they come to a mutual agreement, because you’re the one who loses if either wins out. In this way are you able to make connections and solve near-impossible issues. Go with the flow.

LIBRA: The world isn’t all give and take, and you know this better than most. If it was, there’d be no need for your intuitive Libran desire for balance and flow. This is where your knack for charismatic communication comes in handy. Your ideas won’t seem so ridiculous now. Okay, they still will, but so what? Who cares what the peasants think? You prefer to suck up to those who can do you the most good. Kinda like a leech. No need to worry about draining them dry because you’re only using them to move up the proverbial social ladder.

SCORPIO: Your reputation is poised to go supernova soon. How can you nurture that energy to make the biggest impact possible? Of course, that could either be a good or bad thing depending on what it is you’ve done THIS time. Be prepared to play it off like you expected that exact result, no matter which it is. Being the astrological sign that “American Psycho” was likely based on, you really have nothing to lose. As the Boston Fern said to the carnivorous invertebrate: with fronds like these, who needs anenomes?

SAGITTARIUS: As Glenn Close’s character said to Michael Douglas’s character in “Fatal Attraction:” I’m not going to be ignored, Dan. You are in the midst of an emotional maelstrom, and it’s not at all pretty. Take a few days to yourself lest you find yourself with the urge to boil some dumbass’s bunny. You’re tempted to go on a massive shopping spree to belay some of the intensity of those stupid feels, but it’s in your best interest to resist. You think people are intentionally leaving you out, and the potential to fly off the handle over perceived slights will be fierce. Try channeling some of that overwhelming energy into being more creative and witty. Sometimes, faking it until you make it actually works!