PISCES: Back in the day, people had secret admirers of all sorts. This was before technology came along and took the mystery and suspense out of everything. You get a romantic note from someone, distracting and overwhelming you. Don’t be surprised when you find out it’s from the garbage man.
ARIES: You’ve been as persistent as a mosquito at a nudist colony. And as annoying. You find that you communicate especially well with grumpy people and those with hearing loss. This suits you just fine because you love to hear yourself talk even if nobody else does.
TAURUS: It’s amazing what a little sunshine will do to raise your spirits. And by ‘raise your spirits,’ we mean you drink too much. It’s time to stop imbibing and face facts. Your life has been derailed, and it’s up to you to figure out where it went wrong. Thank goodness you love a mystery.
GEMINI: Hey Chicken Little! Stop screaming that the sky is falling. It’s not, but you love to create drama wherever you go and the more people you influence, the more you like it. Stop succumbing to your insecurities and lack of self-confidence, because no one gives a shit but you.
CANCER: You have this uncanny ability to bring people together. You manage a group’s dynamic like you were born to it. And perhaps you were. Just make sure you tread carefully, as you’re just as likely to gather serial killers together as you are friends and family.
LEO: All work and no play makes you dull, ornery, and bitchier than usual. The world will not fall down around your ears if you take a day off now and then. It’s your enormous ego that causes such thinking and it’s time to take it down a notch or six.
VIRGO: You’re going to find that your social calendar is filling up more quickly than realized. Is that a good thing or bad? Only you can say. Just be careful not to overcommit, as this will make you crazier than usual and confirm what everyone else already knows: you’re a flake.
LIBRA: Your level of distraction is higher than it’s ever been. Just when you think you’ve got one thing figured out, you see something shiny in the distance and drop everything to go see what it is. These distractions will only counteract all your hard work, so ignore them as best as you can.
SCORPIO: Someone who’s stuck by you through thick and thin reaffirms their devotion to you. Your fear of attachment is really straining that relationship. You’ll have to work really hard to reassure them that you still care about them, enough to make a sacrifice or two.
SAGITTARIUS: You’re great at coming up with big ideas, but suck at seeing them through. You’re better at delegating than you are at doing. That’s what other people are for. Heaven forbid you should get your own hands dirty. Ask someone else to do the grunt work.
CAPRICORN: Whoo boy! You sure do have a bee in your bonnet and fire ants in your pants lately. This could lead to bats in your belfry. See what working so much does for you? It might temporarily soothe your deep feelings of insecurity, but in the long run you alienate everyone who could help you.
AQUARIUS: Looking up your family history will prove that you come from a long line of crazy people. Don’t take things literally. History is an abstraction, not a set of facts. The more you remember this, the less you’ll feel like questioning your own sanity.